Wednesday 20th April, 2011

With its second entry now, you feel like a monthly log instead of a daily one you were supposed to be. In many ways this is good and in some this is the other way. The month came and it went in a jiffy, faster than I expected, u must have known better.

Last few days, I was caught up in a twister of past events and was unable to break free of it until Monday. The events, usually as they are, concern my relationship with Isha and the turning points, helpful as they were to me in realizing ground realities of life, were very implosive in nature and I still bear the marks from the collapse. Though they are beginning to heal but I pray that my new found path of spirituality is not made troublesome by the shocks and letting you know, eases up the stress which had set up in the aftermath.

The centre point of the thoughts was something that Isha said to me when she was in Bangalore working for Greenpeace. I was tensed because of my house project. The starting of this house project also is a story in itself. First immediately after letting my feelings known to her, she tells it to her brother, who in turn lets her mother know about me. And there comes the trouble when I am told that they would like an early marriage. When I told Isha about my feelings, I had no intentions like this and wanted to know her better but she said that I am her husband and she is already like my wife, so I thought when we have accepted each other than let the formalities be done with.

Now the only thing left was my house. It’s so small it barely supports me let alone another member so it sounded right to get a new one built and I could ease my way into married life. The faster I could finish this, the earlier Isha would walk into my life officially...so I went full throttle to complete it only to meet hurdles ,both with paperwork and financial...so I was restless and tensed...moreover, staying from the love of your life is not an easy job...overall impact was that I was slowly being taken over by frustration...no job, no work, no house, no money, no girlfriend, no body to share my woes of the day...it was endless...u know very well how I felt...u saw it all in my eyes...i was nauseated all the time...that old feeling of failure and desertion came back, sowing seeds of suicide again just like the old times.

Isha, on the other hand after a lonely start in Bangalore but was cruising through it...work, friends, party...the only thing out of balance in her life was me as I was shaky...then enters her senior, a PR guy with great talking abilities and a charmer...result was, we talked less and less and their interaction went up...I feel like she was so fed up with my bad emotional state that she was avoiding me altogether and coupled with the force of attraction of such a guy who played like he had all...for sure he had all...my girl didn’t even care to send me text at anytime of the day and I knew that she was drifting away...since I am very possessive, this change in her attitude added to my already strained mind and now even my heart was taking the beating. Eventually, this night she was supposed to stay in the house of the same guy for a party with just two other friends...now I am not a guy who could swallow that easily but just to refrain from adding to her woes I asked her to make it to this party...and so she did, but during the entire day I was restless...u sure don’t want to give your prettiest thing to someone whom you do not trust..So I called up but in vain...eventually I got so frustrated that I wrote...”that’s it”...she replied by calling me back. I asked her what was the reason that she didn’t text me the entire afternoon and evening?, “Rohit, get a life” comes the reply...I was stunned...Never thought I would get to hear this after all the promises of being husband and wife.

Was I that stupid, ignorant, lifeless that I had to hear this...still I cried and asked for forgiveness...i was afraid that I might lose her.....and in the end I did...she confessed having fallen for the guy...now it’s just me and my life which sure as hell and heaven I am not going to end and make some “life” out of it....I do not hate her for doing this to me as even I was not near to her, instead I want to thank her for waking me up from a dream world I had knitted around myself with my lust in it and bring me back on the ground on how to survive through life actually...that’s why when I finish this contract, I will stay with her for 1 month without letting anyone know and make it the best 1 month of her life...open to all good ideas...if you got some, let me know ASAP....I have a few of my own and would write down here

1)  Jog up to her apartment and place a bouquet every day at her door.

2) Pick her up from her place of work and drop her every day. If possible put her to bed and then return back.

3)  Rent a motorbike if possible.

4)  Do, a candle light dinner for her.

5) Sauna bath to relax her of her work problems and worries.

6)  Go to all the temples of Mumbai and around.

7)  Photographic trip.

8)  Stroll to local market.

9)  Beach trip

10) Make her experience yoga and take her on a morning walk if possible.

11)           Just be what I feel and express it at best as I can.

12)  Go to a sports complex and play lawn tennis.

Things not to do will be

1)  No forms of physical intimacy.

2) No crying like a baby about things of past.

3)  No drawing up of future plans, because there is no future...only today.

May be I will be able to thank her for guiding me into the right path just like Kavya did, but whom I could never thank...

How strange is it that life is guided by others...always...we have no control over anything...only our actions and that’s what I want to mend for the good. Results may vary...what do you say Krishna?