Saturday 23rd April, 2011

Despite my running around in the engine room and lonely sexual deeds, my attempts to buy myself some peace and sleep in the night are failing regularly. And more I remain awake, more I am haunted by the past. I thought maybe yoga would rescue me, but the abyss, I have stepped into is so deep that it will take a long time to make some recovery. Yes Krishna, you are correct...It is the emotional void which I have transformed into my current address. I know you are always there with me, guiding and helping me out but if I can’t get something as easy as sleep! What would become of me is not a pleasant thought as of now. Numerous threads of thoughts pass by my mind during the entire day and to my disappointment they are mostly about one thing; Isha. I try my best to stick my head into work but it has been made so easy by my capabilities that I can do it even in my dreams. I try again to keep it with you but the pain of past memories steals it of your presence. Little did I know, when I asked you to bless me with a company; that its absence is going to drive me insane. At least I was better off in my singlet stage...but then every cloud has a silver lining and because of this entire drama, I am here talking to you again...if it was not for Isha, I would have remain oblivious of the true belongingness, strength, love and forgiveness that you have granted me. Earlier I thought my life was about filling someone’s life with love and support, but slowly Its been dawning upon me what really lies behind the curtain is the fact that I have so much, to give to just one person will be an utter waste of it.

I know when the time is right you will tip me off about where to begin and I am now eagerly waiting for it. But please consider this plea: I have promised Kalika maiyya to renovate the temple with money equivalent to my first year salary and I really want to give the two women, mom and daadi, of my house a respectable place to live, which they could never have in their entire lifetime. Please let me grant this fulfilment to them and then I can move on.

As I said, I have been thinking a lot lately, though trust me it’s not voluntary work; I have come to some sort of conclusion. Guruji says that an answer that brings peace to the self is the real answer and I guess I couldn’t be more at peace after this. All this time since “get a life” happened, I was full of revenge, anger and lack of Isha’s trustworthiness. That, thanks to good guidance has now left my thoughts for the good. My mind turned itself into the best yet worst possible simulator, running variations of the same emotional state. I would picture me and Isha conversing and then I say something really hurtful to her out of the pain, which brings her to tears...that was like the ending of almost every scenario my brain could conceive. But lucky me that after playing this little game of yours I have come out clean like from a washing machine. So this time when I meet Isha, it will be like a friend rather than a girlfriend-boyfriend affair. My priority will be to make that one month of her life to be the best ever...I hope to cleanse my sins due to all the false hopes I gave and tears she shed because of me. I will not be losing you or my individuality in this thought but every second of my time in Mumbai and every part of me will work overtime to make this happen for her so once in her life she can really be a queen. At the end of it, when the question of ‘when will I see you again?’ comes, I want to tell that we both love each other but it was never worth it as the distance only increased the pain and we could barely manage. Life is right now and not some Christmas holiday that comes once a year, that’s what I have become, a Santa clause who brings gifts and then vanishes along with his reindeers to North Pole to work upon the gifts for next year. Every wakeful minute she is supposed to enjoy it and not wait upon for me! It’s an utter waste of your gift to her which I don’t want. As far as I know, she doesn’t feel connected; she always feels lonely and has no emotional support. So in effect my being there or being absent doesn’t make much of a difference. The question of seeing each other in the end will still be decided by you and her as I am tired of keeping my life in control. I want to be free. Also I was just trying to envisage but I couldn’t find any connection between me and her brother or her parents. I guess ship life can do that to you in 1 month’s time.

Well...hope to catch sum sleep

Enjoy........