Saturday 23rd April, 2011

Despite my running around in the engine room and lonely sexual deeds, my attempts to buy myself some peace and sleep in the night are failing regularly. And more I remain awake, more I am haunted by the past. I thought maybe yoga would rescue me, but the abyss, I have stepped into is so deep that it will take a long time to make some recovery. Yes Krishna, you are correct...It is the emotional void which I have transformed into my current address. I know you are always there with me, guiding and helping me out but if I can’t get something as easy as sleep! What would become of me is not a pleasant thought as of now. Numerous threads of thoughts pass by my mind during the entire day and to my disappointment they are mostly about one thing; Isha. I try my best to stick my head into work but it has been made so easy by my capabilities that I can do it even in my dreams. I try again to keep it with you but the pain of past memories steals it of your presence. Little did I know, when I asked you to bless me with a company; that its absence is going to drive me insane. At least I was better off in my singlet stage...but then every cloud has a silver lining and because of this entire drama, I am here talking to you again...if it was not for Isha, I would have remain oblivious of the true belongingness, strength, love and forgiveness that you have granted me. Earlier I thought my life was about filling someone’s life with love and support, but slowly Its been dawning upon me what really lies behind the curtain is the fact that I have so much, to give to just one person will be an utter waste of it.

I know when the time is right you will tip me off about where to begin and I am now eagerly waiting for it. But please consider this plea: I have promised Kalika maiyya to renovate the temple with money equivalent to my first year salary and I really want to give the two women, mom and daadi, of my house a respectable place to live, which they could never have in their entire lifetime. Please let me grant this fulfilment to them and then I can move on.

As I said, I have been thinking a lot lately, though trust me it’s not voluntary work; I have come to some sort of conclusion. Guruji says that an answer that brings peace to the self is the real answer and I guess I couldn’t be more at peace after this. All this time since “get a life” happened, I was full of revenge, anger and lack of Isha’s trustworthiness. That, thanks to good guidance has now left my thoughts for the good. My mind turned itself into the best yet worst possible simulator, running variations of the same emotional state. I would picture me and Isha conversing and then I say something really hurtful to her out of the pain, which brings her to tears...that was like the ending of almost every scenario my brain could conceive. But lucky me that after playing this little game of yours I have come out clean like from a washing machine. So this time when I meet Isha, it will be like a friend rather than a girlfriend-boyfriend affair. My priority will be to make that one month of her life to be the best ever...I hope to cleanse my sins due to all the false hopes I gave and tears she shed because of me. I will not be losing you or my individuality in this thought but every second of my time in Mumbai and every part of me will work overtime to make this happen for her so once in her life she can really be a queen. At the end of it, when the question of ‘when will I see you again?’ comes, I want to tell that we both love each other but it was never worth it as the distance only increased the pain and we could barely manage. Life is right now and not some Christmas holiday that comes once a year, that’s what I have become, a Santa clause who brings gifts and then vanishes along with his reindeers to North Pole to work upon the gifts for next year. Every wakeful minute she is supposed to enjoy it and not wait upon for me! It’s an utter waste of your gift to her which I don’t want. As far as I know, she doesn’t feel connected; she always feels lonely and has no emotional support. So in effect my being there or being absent doesn’t make much of a difference. The question of seeing each other in the end will still be decided by you and her as I am tired of keeping my life in control. I want to be free. Also I was just trying to envisage but I couldn’t find any connection between me and her brother or her parents. I guess ship life can do that to you in 1 month’s time.

Well...hope to catch sum sleep

Enjoy........

Wednesday 20th April, 2011

With its second entry now, you feel like a monthly log instead of a daily one you were supposed to be. In many ways this is good and in some this is the other way. The month came and it went in a jiffy, faster than I expected, u must have known better.

Last few days, I was caught up in a twister of past events and was unable to break free of it until Monday. The events, usually as they are, concern my relationship with Isha and the turning points, helpful as they were to me in realizing ground realities of life, were very implosive in nature and I still bear the marks from the collapse. Though they are beginning to heal but I pray that my new found path of spirituality is not made troublesome by the shocks and letting you know, eases up the stress which had set up in the aftermath.

The centre point of the thoughts was something that Isha said to me when she was in Bangalore working for Greenpeace. I was tensed because of my house project. The starting of this house project also is a story in itself. First immediately after letting my feelings known to her, she tells it to her brother, who in turn lets her mother know about me. And there comes the trouble when I am told that they would like an early marriage. When I told Isha about my feelings, I had no intentions like this and wanted to know her better but she said that I am her husband and she is already like my wife, so I thought when we have accepted each other than let the formalities be done with.

Now the only thing left was my house. It’s so small it barely supports me let alone another member so it sounded right to get a new one built and I could ease my way into married life. The faster I could finish this, the earlier Isha would walk into my life officially...so I went full throttle to complete it only to meet hurdles ,both with paperwork and financial...so I was restless and tensed...moreover, staying from the love of your life is not an easy job...overall impact was that I was slowly being taken over by frustration...no job, no work, no house, no money, no girlfriend, no body to share my woes of the day...it was endless...u know very well how I felt...u saw it all in my eyes...i was nauseated all the time...that old feeling of failure and desertion came back, sowing seeds of suicide again just like the old times.

Isha, on the other hand after a lonely start in Bangalore but was cruising through it...work, friends, party...the only thing out of balance in her life was me as I was shaky...then enters her senior, a PR guy with great talking abilities and a charmer...result was, we talked less and less and their interaction went up...I feel like she was so fed up with my bad emotional state that she was avoiding me altogether and coupled with the force of attraction of such a guy who played like he had all...for sure he had all...my girl didn’t even care to send me text at anytime of the day and I knew that she was drifting away...since I am very possessive, this change in her attitude added to my already strained mind and now even my heart was taking the beating. Eventually, this night she was supposed to stay in the house of the same guy for a party with just two other friends...now I am not a guy who could swallow that easily but just to refrain from adding to her woes I asked her to make it to this party...and so she did, but during the entire day I was restless...u sure don’t want to give your prettiest thing to someone whom you do not trust..So I called up but in vain...eventually I got so frustrated that I wrote...”that’s it”...she replied by calling me back. I asked her what was the reason that she didn’t text me the entire afternoon and evening?, “Rohit, get a life” comes the reply...I was stunned...Never thought I would get to hear this after all the promises of being husband and wife.

Was I that stupid, ignorant, lifeless that I had to hear this...still I cried and asked for forgiveness...i was afraid that I might lose her.....and in the end I did...she confessed having fallen for the guy...now it’s just me and my life which sure as hell and heaven I am not going to end and make some “life” out of it....I do not hate her for doing this to me as even I was not near to her, instead I want to thank her for waking me up from a dream world I had knitted around myself with my lust in it and bring me back on the ground on how to survive through life actually...that’s why when I finish this contract, I will stay with her for 1 month without letting anyone know and make it the best 1 month of her life...open to all good ideas...if you got some, let me know ASAP....I have a few of my own and would write down here

1)  Jog up to her apartment and place a bouquet every day at her door.

2) Pick her up from her place of work and drop her every day. If possible put her to bed and then return back.

3)  Rent a motorbike if possible.

4)  Do, a candle light dinner for her.

5) Sauna bath to relax her of her work problems and worries.

6)  Go to all the temples of Mumbai and around.

7)  Photographic trip.

8)  Stroll to local market.

9)  Beach trip

10) Make her experience yoga and take her on a morning walk if possible.

11)           Just be what I feel and express it at best as I can.

12)  Go to a sports complex and play lawn tennis.

Things not to do will be

1)  No forms of physical intimacy.

2) No crying like a baby about things of past.

3)  No drawing up of future plans, because there is no future...only today.

May be I will be able to thank her for guiding me into the right path just like Kavya did, but whom I could never thank...

How strange is it that life is guided by others...always...we have no control over anything...only our actions and that’s what I want to mend for the good. Results may vary...what do you say Krishna?

29th March, 2011

A half day in engine room but a yet another wakeful day for me. Swaying of the ship wasn’t enough to register itself in my mind through the day after the rocking we had in South China Sea. A lot of thoughts but no one to share is not appalling any more as I have decided to follow the footsteps of Anne Frank. Not exactly to maintain a diary but something on the lines, to keep an e-log. Since to-be-read by anyone else is out of the question, so web-log or blog is not of any help and as if I will get the internet to do so. Anyways, Anne’s diary kept my mind occupied for the most of the day when I was free from my engine room work. Though it bothered me that how we humans can get as to kill innocent people to satisfy our pride and vanity, just like her I have chosen not to paint a grim picture but look at the beautiful canvas God gifts me every day to paint. No matter how short or long life is there, cherishing it will surely be close to living than complaining for things. Not worthy of mentioning here are the tears that rolled down my cheeks after going through those few years of her life. The turmoil of the teenage clearly visible was something I could easily relate to with my past and yet again with Isha’s current state. Many a times while reading the book I could relate entire paragraphs or pages to me or with Isha. She seemed, to be honest, a turbulent mix of me and my girlfriend at the same time. But what really rocked my world was the fact that at 14 she was dictating life as I have come to comprehend in my 26^th year.

Had my lunch and dinner for a change but need to drink more water and restrict myself to two meals a day. Many reasons postulated for such a fast but in the end I feel that it’s not required to have food three times a day as I can mange with two, so why carry extra with me wherever I go.

Also I find that playing sport takes my mind off anything. Surely it does the same for everyone else as well but rarely anyone would notice. I need to convey this to Isha so she might help herself out of the misery she thinks the world has put her into. Much remains to be done on the spiritual part by me, specially starting with yoga as the reason being that until I have my body in discipline, my mind won’t. No books here to read except related to ship so I don’t know if I will be able to maintain my half an hour reading practise, though I surely am going to write as time permits. Have to source out some once we touch land.

Rest is same old on a boat as it was some 9 years back. I can hardly believe that I have gone past such a long distance, seems like yesterday. So long Krishna...